Category: Glad Tidings

It is important to remember that spending some quality time together enhances our relationship. The pandemic has changed for many couples the availability or the amount of time that is possible to spend together. How can we seek out ways to enjoy and spend quality time with each other?

Remember what fun you had early in your couple relationship? How can you bring that back? Possibly you are both working, maybe from home or one at home and one not, helping kids with homework, taking care of the basic household tasks. When will we find time to be together, let alone have fun together? We are tired. We are anxious.

First, let us have a conversation together about what that would look like.

What were some of those early fun times? Remember them. Laugh, even get out the pictures of those dates. Share what energized you, made you feel loved and cared for.

How do you adapt those experiences to now?

• Walks
• Holding hands
• Kisses good morning, good night
• Eating dinner in a special place other than the normal one
• Enjoying a happy hour
• Giving each other a massage
• Watching a movie, holding hands
• Snuggling on the couch
• Making out on the couch or big chair
• Playing games together
• Dancing together
• Listening to music
• Having coffee together
• Lunch dates
• Take a ride together

Once you get started you can think of your own ways of loving and caring for each other in a special way.

Make a list. Take turns planning and inviting  what you will do together. Some couples have even written them on slips of paper, put in a jar, and then pull one out when you are ready for that special time.

Now commit to a day and time soon. It does not have to be long-range plans.  What can be done now, this week?

Recommended books:

Claudia and David Arp – 10 Great Dates to Energize your Marriage, and 52 Dates.

First of all, a big thank you to the 137 individuals and households who completed the survey distributed to Nativity’s parishioners over three weeks early in September. The survey asked for the congregation’s level of satisfaction with our current online services, and to weigh in on what you would like to see in the future within the constraints of the pandemic and Diocesan guidelines. It was good to hear that 84% of the respondents are satisfied with the current online services.

Many suggested changes have already been heard and accomplished, and are continuing. For example:

•  In response to concerns about accessing the online services, the prerecorded services are now posted on both Facebook and YouTube, and this week there is a   third option to access the videos via  the Nativity website, which you can view without the requirement for a Facebook login.
• Words of the readings and responses are now being projected in the videos to enhance your worship experience.
• Words of the hymns are now being projected in the videos, to enable you to sing along with more familiar hymns.
• Variety in musical styles and instruments is now being added to the online services.
• 66% of respondents indicated they would like to attend outdoor in-person services, and 61% would be comfortable receiving Holy Eucharist. And it was so! Three communion services are now held outdoors each Sunday, with attendance limited by Diocesan rules.

The dominant theme of the respondents’ replies was that they are worried that the pandemic isolation is harming our congregation’s sense of cohesion as a community. Mostly, parishioners long to see and connect with each other and the clergy.

You can help enhance our sense of community. If you would like to sing in the online videos, contact our organist, Jason Pace. If you would like to read in the videos or outdoors, contact Megan, our church coordinator. If you want to sign up for Christian Essentials, the new Adult Formation group gathering online, contact Cuyler O’Connor.

Gail Christensen
Communications Team

At Church of the Nativity, we are participating in a phased return to in-person interactions. Our return has been carefully planned by church staff and clergy under the direction of our Diocesan bishops. It has been wonderful to gather together and experience worship and communion! Please keep in mind that while the Diocese is continuously re-evaluating and easing restrictions whenever possible, we are still limited in the ways we are permitted to gather and worship. In particular, these are guidelines we are now observing:

• Outdoor worship gatherings are limited to 50 people total, including clergy, staff, and lay ministers.
• One-kind (bread only) communion is permitted with health and safety restrictions. Please return to your seat with your wafer before removing your mask to consume it.
• We must stay socially distanced at all gatherings! Please keep a six-foot distance from all fellow parishioners and members of the clergy. This includes while queuing for communion and while fellowshipping before and after the service.
• We are not permitted to pass offering plates. Please mail your contributions or use the PayPal and Venmo links on the church website.
• We must wear masks at all times while on the church grounds. Reusable masks are available at services.
• We must sanitize our hands frequently. Sanitizer is available at the outdoor services.
• Congregational singing is not permitted at in-person gatherings.
• Due to a lack of an outdoor covered area on our grounds, in-person services will be cancelled if it rains.
• Limited indoor gatherings are now permitted. We will be planning, exploring, and experimenting within the Diocesan parameters for gathering indoors later in the fall and winter.

When I returned to my classroom on 9/21, I returned not to “normal,” but to an alteration of my COVID routine. I sit in the familiar environs of room 210, but the 32 student desks remain empty. My students continue to learn from home, and I have learned over the past two months how to interact with them through the computer. Staff meetings take place online, too, because it is not safe for compromised individuals to return in person. 

Likewise, our church building looks the same and is reassuringly familiar, but we interact with each other differently. Our primary service remains the 10:30 online video premiere, available on YouTube and Facebook. This is where you will enjoy musical performances, liturgy to participate in, hymns to sing along with, and a variety of familiar faces reading lessons! Because of the growing dark and cold, we plan to pause in-person outdoor worship when the Advent season arrives, after Sunday 11/22. During the Advent and Christmas seasons, our prerecorded services will provide a way for us to stay connected with one another through special music and familiar liturgies. In January, pending the easing of restrictions, we will re-evaluate another return to in-person worship. It has been difficult for many of us to feel like ourselves without the familiar routines of church, and it is even more difficult when we still do not know when and how things will return to “normal.” Through all of the uncertainty, separation, anxiety, and change, please remember that we are still together, because we belong to one another. 

In Christ,

Carrie Mash
Sr. Warden

On September 14^th, Kate Fellman, the founder and executive director of You Can Vote, gave an excellent presentation during Sacred Conversations on how to make a plan to vote. It inspired me to help other people vote during this unprecedented election year.

My family and I were worried about the COVID-19 pandemic, so we decided to make a plan to vote. First, we checked our voter registration information on the NC State Board of Elections voter search website and made any necessary updates on the NC DMV website. In order to have the option to vote by mail, we requested an absentee ballot on the NC State Board of Elections website on August 21^st and about three weeks later, we received our ballots in the mail. As the pandemic got worse, my family decided to fill out and returned them to our county board of elections office. Using BallotTrax to track our ballots, we found out that our ballots were accepted on September 17^th.

I know it’s early, but if you want to have the option to vote by mail, it takes some time to request and fill out and return your ballot, so make a plan to vote soon. Visit the Wake County Board of Elections website for more information. You can also contact me at bknapp4@gmail.com or 919-812-1129.

When it comes to household tasks and family responsibilities, we are a team.  Who does what in your household or family? How do you decide?  Does it change?

Early on in our marriage when Carl and I were both working, we divided our household tasks. Initially, I thought my tasks were more than Carl’s, but then in a Marriage Enrichment Group that we were part of at the time, we had an exercise that enable me to see that we were really equally divided. I had only considered the household tasks like cooking and cleaning that I was doing but there were things that Carl did like taking care of the car, mowing the grass, paying the bills, or reconciling the check book, etc.  that I had not considered.

As we went through stages of marriage, parenting, job changes, and retirement, those tasks changed. Also, one of you may be better at a specific task. Carl and I at one point alternated paying the bills. Then we realized that Carl was really the more detailed and numbers person and that task was better suited to him. That did not mean that we did not share and make financial decisions together.

The important things to remember about these household tasks is that they can be changed. Even though cooking may be your responsibility, you may at some point want your partner to take it over either once or more ongoing. Speak up, ask for help. It is not good to brood about it or get irritated. Renegotiate and discuss the task.

Also, if you ask for help, you do not have to tell them how to do the task. For example, the dishwasher can be loaded many different ways. If it is something they do not usually do, your partner may ask for instructions or you may give suggestions.

During this time of COVID -19 the household tasks and family responsibilities may have changed due to work or parent commitments or “sheltering in place” together. Remember that you are a team. You can do things together, like doing the dishes, grocery shopping, putting together a new exercise recumbent bike, or putting the children to bed. Working together gives you a sense of the strong team that you are. Or you may decide to switch responsibilities or do separately; that is okay as well. Just remember that you are a team.

We encourage you to have a conversation about your household tasks and responsibilities. Are there any changes you want to make for this time that we are in? Remember to use the communication skills that we have blogged about earlier, such as active listening and using I messages. If there is a disagreement, go back to the blog on conflict resolution. Do speak up if you want a change to be discussed. You are a TEAM and you will get through this time together.

Carl and Nancy Terry

Conflict in a close intimate relationship is inevitable. This statement is probably even more true today when we are dealing with Covid-19, and racial and social justice issues.  We are living in a difficult time of stress and change; we do not know what the future will bring. One thing that can get us through this difficult time is our couple relationship, but it can also be a time of disagreements, quarrels, irritations, and conflict with the one we love the most.

Believe it or not, these conflicts have the potential for bringing us closer, if we work through them with good communication and conflict resolution skills. Given the opportunity, we can either work through the anger and conflict and come up with a mutually acceptable solution or we can ignore it or give in and end up feeling more distant from one another.

There are four C’s for resolving conflict:

• Capitulation – Issue is not as important as you thought, so you give in as a gift
• Compromise – Some of your solution and some of mine
• Co-existence – Cannot agree on a solution, so you agree to disagree, but let go of the emotion.
• Collaboration – Coming together to find a solution that is creative and probably not considered by either of you before

We want to share with you a collaboration process that has been helpful to us.  Are we perfect at it?  No way, but it is a model that we have found helpful.

1. Cool down. Find a way to relax. You may need to take a time out separately but agree on a time to come back together. Each will have their personal ways of relaxing, but then when you come back together, sit comfortably and relaxed; you might even hold hands.
2. Keep cool. Agree not to attack, blame, or provoke each other. Use your “I” statements and listening skills. Stay away from “you” messages.
3. Define the disagreement. What is each one’s point of view? You will want to make sure the issue that has come up is the “real” issue. Do not hurry through this step. You might even write down the issue from each one’s point of view. Keep clarifying the issue. Agree on a shared meaning for the issue.
4. Developing solutions. Brainstorm as many options as you can. It is important to list at least 8 to 10 solutions, because it is often as you get to the last ones that you become creative in potential solutions.
5. Examine the solutions.  Which ones seem reasonable to both of you. Talk them over. Maybe they are not perfect but strive to agree on one that you will try.
6. Implement the solution. Carry out your plan.
7. Evaluate the outcome. Come back together later after trying the solution and evaluate the outcome. Did it work?  Are modifications needed?
8. Celebrate. Find a way to celebrate what you have accomplished.

Remember, conflicts are an opportunity to learn more about each other and to deepen your understanding of each other. You may find that you are feeling closer to each other.

For additional information see, Love and Anger in Marriage by David Mace. 

Carl and Nancy Terry

Stress is always present. But more so now with the COVID-19 virus and less opportunity to socialize and be with family and friends.  There is also more awareness of racial and social injustice and how that has impacted our lives in the past and presently.  There are no simple answers to these stresses, but we would like to share some thoughts and ideas about stress and the handling of stress.

Believe it or not, having some stress is important, because we are motivated and empowered to do something.  Too much stress leads to frustration and anxiety. Too little stress leads to boredom and stagnation.  Stress impacts us Physically through headaches, stomach aches, sleep issues, etc.  Cognitively, we are not able to concentrate. Emotionally, we are more easily irritated and frustrated. Another way that stress impacts us is Behaviorally. We eat or drink too much or act out our stress.  The fact is that we either control our stress or it controls us.

Couples often do not share their stresses with each other. We tend to think we should be able to resolve on our own. We are not responsible for a partner’s stress, but we can be helpful in supporting them and listening to them as they work through it.  If stress is a shared one like parenting, finances, etc. then it is best dealt with together. This process helps us become more intimate.

Enough about stress, let us share how to handle it. First, it is important to share the stresses with each other.  Use the communication skills we have shared – Using I messages and Listening. Identify the stress as your own and share with your partner. Decide what can be changed and what cannot.  Then prioritize what needs to change. 

Sometimes the sharing may lead to disagreements and conflict.  We will share more about that next time. 

Some personal stress busters:

• Take a walk, ride your bike, exercise, dance, do yoga stretches
• Deep breathing. progressive relaxation, meditation
• Sing a song, listen to relaxing music, play an instrument
• Eat healthy foods, have a cup of tea
• Take a nap, Get plenty of sleep
• Sit in the sunshine, listen to the birds, look at flowers, watch children playing
• Laugh out loud, read the funny paper
• Do something you like, read a book, watch a movie, paint, or draw a picture

Remember the Serenity prayer:   Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

For your information, here is an additional resource for couples for handling stress. We have previewed the course and know the couple who developed it. https://courses.closecompanions.org/p/managing-stress-together-online-course

Carl and Nancy Terry

Nativity is a very special community full of love and support for ALL people. Our youth are especially lucky to grow up in this environment and feel the support that comes from each of you. Many, many thanks for helping us nurture and teach them the power of faith.

The last few months have been a trying time for us all, including our young people. Events they have looked forward to have been reinvented to accommodate the necessary guidelines or in many cases cancelled altogether. Kathryn has been right in the thick of things, nimbly reinventing the children’s and youth program and finding new ways to keep their faithful bonds alive. In addition to doing a short children’s lesson every Sunday via video on Facebook, she’s held several Zoom youth groups to provide the kids an opportunity to visit with each other and have some fun.

One group that was affected more than most were our high school seniors, which prompted the first annual Adopt a Senior program. Each graduating senior enjoyed the added recognition and celebration bestowed upon them by their adoptive Nativity families. Thank you to all who participated!

We unfortunately had to cancel our summer ASP mission trip. Instead, we are volunteering with Inter-Faith Food Shuttle each week in July. HUGS (Helping Understand God through Sharing) Camp has shifted to a virtual camp taking place this month. This is a unique and powerful experience where campers with special needs are paired with one or more “helper” campers, who assist the special-needs campers with all the activities of camp life.

We also have Vacation Bible School currently in the works for later this month.

While we don’t know what the fall will hold yet, we are planning for future trips. In June 2021, our rising juniors and seniors will be going on a pilgrimage to Ireland to explore holy and unlikely places to encounter God and connect with their faith on a deeper level through mountain hikes, learning about the life of monks, and history of churches. Our middle school trip, Urban Immersion, will occur in the summer of 2022.

Thanks again for all you do to support our wonderful youth program!

• Stephanie Sumner

We will celebrate the Reverend Dr. Pauli Murray on July 1st with special live streamed service of Evening Prayer, beginning at 6:00pm with an Organ Meditation, followed by Evening Prayer at 6:15*.  These earlier times for the services will allow us to also join in the Diocescan wide livestream at 7pm.

Admittedly, I had never heard the name Pauli Murray until I became an Episcopalian.  As I learned more, I realized I was familiar with so many things for which their work provided a foundation.  Foremost, the landmark Brown v. Board of Education Supreme Court decision, but also the wider work of sit-ins, rallies, and boycotts, as they worked toward advancing civil rights legislation. This work alone is inspirational.

Even so, the more I learn about Pauli Murray, the more my admiration grows.  While being celebrated as the first African-American woman ordained a priest in the Episcopal Church, as well as being among the first women to be ordained, Murray struggled with gender identity during a time in which there was little support and even scant language to describe their experience.

As so many of our fellows still struggle today to claim their God-given human dignity, it seems that Murray is an inspiring figure for so many.  They were a feminist, a civil rights leader, and though presenting as a woman to most, a pioneer amongst LGBTQ+ individuals.

So, at a time when we strive to help our brothers and sisters proclaim that black lives really do matter, and as we rejoice at the recent US Supreme Court decision extending more civil rights protections to our LGBTQ+ siblings, it is important that we take a moment to sit in prayer, to contemplate, and to celebrate one on whose shoulders those continuing the struggle stand.

As we offer our prayers and thanksgiving, our service will feature some special guests:  The Reverend Gwen Fry will join us to read the lessons, and actor Lachlan Watson will read the biography of Pauli Murray.  I’m so pleased they can join in this special evening.  

I hope you’ll join in! 

Pax Christi,
Jeremy Clos 

*Please note that our services of Evening Prayer will continue the following week beginning at 6:30pm.

All couples experience some degree of conflict and issues of anger in their relationship. Sometimes the conflict can be resolved by listening and talking to each other, but sometimes there is an issue that seems to stand out with significant anger and pain. The process of working through the anger and pain to forgiveness can help to heal the relationship.

Anger is an automatic response to sensed threat, hurt, embarrassment, etc. If we let it fester it will decrease our intimacy and closeness. Our brains are wired so that if we do not deliberately, intentionally stop the flow, the anger will get triggered repeatedly.  “Anger doesn’t get buried dead, but alive.“ The anger may come out as criticism, belittling, ignoring, etc.

Examples of these issues:

• Forgetting an important occasion.
• Buying a costly item, such as a car, boat, or motorcycle, without talking about it.
• Making a significant life decision, such as a job, that impacts both of you without discussing.
• Saying or doing something hurtful.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is intentionally letting go of the issue. It is a process that may not happen immediately and the emotions from the issue may rise again.  Forgiveness is not easy, but it is worth the effort.

The One Asking for Forgiveness: Take the time to listen to the other’s pain without interrupting. This is where our listening and talking skills come in. The one asking for forgiveness needs to admit that what they have done is wrong or the way it was done was wrong. Assure your partner that you do not want this issue to happen again. Next, say “I am sorry.” Apologize. Ask, “What can I do to make it right.” Then forgive yourself.

The One Who is Accepting Forgiveness: You must also listen, but voice your feelings, pain, and anger. Be sure they understand what you are feeling and experiencing. Let your partner know what you want in the future. Let go of your desire to punish or “get even.” Tell them what they can do to make it right. Communicate your acceptance of their apology and their request for forgiveness. 

Depending on the issue, the depth of feeling, and how long it has been going on, the forgiveness process might require the help of a trained professional. 

Suggestion:  Have a discussion with your partner about forgiveness. Open the possibility that there may be something that needs forgiveness that you are not aware of.  Listen and share with each other.    

Carl and Nancy Terry

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