Commitment! What does it mean? Where are we at this time of our lives together in our commitment? If you said your vows in front of witnesses, what did the commitment mean to you? Would you change or add to any of those commitments? What would that look like?
First, let us explore the word commitment. Commitment means you are willing to share a large part of your life with another person. It involves honest communication with each other. “Sticking together through thick and thin”, through the good times and the not-so-good times.
On our wedding day, we promised to be together “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health, to love and to cherish.” We were married in a Baptist church, but these words are very universal.Some of you may have written your own vows. Some may be considering what your vows would be?
We invite you to explore your past and present commitment by having a dialogue with each other about your memories of that first commitment and anything you might want to add or amend today.
Recall your initial vows. Where did they occur? What did you commit to?
Would you say the same things today? Would you add/or delete anything?
Have you had a recommitment ceremony or considered having one?
What commitments have you made to your partner other than what you said in your vows?
What is the most important commitment that your partner has made to you?
Are there other commitments that may get in the way of your commitment to your couple relationship (work, family. career, friends, volunteering, etc.)?
You have an opportunity to have a deep sharing in your couple relationship, whether is at its beginning or you have been together for a long time. Choose a time when you can explore your commitment and recommit to each other.
When we come together in our couple relationship, we bring our own unique personalities. Carl Jung and others, like Myers and Briggs, have helped us develop a better understanding of ourselves and those with whom we interact most closely – our partner, our spouse.
Typically, we do not marry someone with a personality just like ourselves. Most couples find that they were attracted to each other because of those personality differences like introvert/extrovert or Thinking vs. Feeling. While those differences initially attract us to others, the closer we become those same differences can become the rubs or pinches in our relationship.
In this blog, we will focus on Thinking and Feeling. Everyone has both traits and usually we are a blend, but we have a preference.
What do we mean by Thinking and Feeling? We will use the personality preferences definitions of Myers Briggs.
Feeling-oriented individuals prefer to make their best decisions by weighing what people care about and what is best for the people involved. They try to establish or maintain harmony. They make decisions with their heart and want to be compassionate.
Thinking individuals prefer to find the basic truth or principle involved regardless of the situation, using logically consistent pros and cons. They tend to be impersonal and do not let personal wishes or other people’s wishes influence them.
So how do we resolve these differences or use them to make the best decisions for us as a couple. We can choose to argue with each other trying to get our point of view across or we can listen to each other and accept the differences. We need to remember that we are a team. We can then use the strength of each of us to make the best decision for us as a couple.
Homework: Decide if you have a thinking or feeling preference. Is there something you need to share with your partner? Then take responsibility for you own thoughts and feelings. Step back and assess what you are thinking and feeling. Let your partner know what you are thinking/feeling. They are not mind readers. Use your best communication skills to share with each other your point of view. Remember to listen to each other.
“Hosanna! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the coming kingdom of our ancestor David! Hosanna in the highest heaven!”
Normally, I get excited about the start of Holy Week. Each Palm Sunday we get to hear the familiar stories of Jesus’ final days leading to the cross and to the celebration of the Resurrection. In non-Covid times, we celebrate with the waving of palms and shouts of “Hosanna.” Over the years, I have come to appreciate the emotional high and celebration of Palm Sunday, as it has balanced the grief and emotional anguish of the coming days. Throughout Holy Week, I often experience a sense of loss, shame, and guilt. And, as we have culturally been trained to do, I want to know what I can do about it. How can I make up for what I have done? How can I make it better?
This year, as we near the end of our Lenten journey and head into Holy Week, are you ready to shout “Hosanna”? Are you ready to wave your palms in the air and celebrate Christ’s triumphant entry into Jerusalem? I don’t know about you, but this year, I’m feeling too tired. I’m not sure I have any celebration left in me. I’ve hit the Covid wall, crashed through it, and now feel as though I’m under a pile of emotional rubble. This past year has simply been one long Lenten journey and I’m ready to rest. It has been a year of keeping people at least six feet away, without hugging, without sharing meals, and exhaustingly having to learn new ways of being. It has been a year of lamenting death, isolation, and systemic injustice. It has been a year of looking at who we are as a community, a nation, and a Church. And, I am tired.
How can I shout “Hosanna” and celebrate after a year like this? And, what if I just don’t feel like celebrating? What if I simply do not have the energy for it? If you are feeling as exhausted as I am, let me assure you that it is ok. Jesus tells us that in our silence, even the stones will shout out. Even our Covid-hardened hearts cannot stop the celebration of Jesus’s march towards the cross and onward towards the empty tomb of the Resurrection. When we do not have the emotional energy and when we are too worn down, Creation itself will shout “Hosanna”. Simply put, we don’t have to do anything other than have faith in the promise of the Resurrection.
I’ve looked around this past week and taken in the beauty of daffodils, hyacinths, forsythia, and pear trees in bloom. I’ve walked around my yard and noticed new growth on plants that I’ve inherited from the saints of my family. I’ve witnessed Creation crying out “Hosanna” in brighter colors and in warmer and longer days. In a year of death, isolation and exhaustion, new life is beginning to emerge. God has once again reaffirmed the newness of life through the goodness of Creation. And, somewhere, deep within my grief and exhaustion, I feel my heart crying out “Hosanna.”
Perhaps this Palm Sunday, some of us will be more spectators than party-goers. Some may have the energy to wave their palms with the exuberance of one sensing the nearness of Christ. However it is for you, know that it is ok. There is nothing you “have to do” for Holy Week. God doesn’t require you to wave palms or to celebrate. When you can’t, Creation will. God simply asks that you have faith in the life, death, and Resurrection of the cross. Simply stated, the “doing” of Easter has already been completed by Christ! This year, if you need to rest, it is ok. Whatever the coming Holy Week looks like for you, I invite you to look around and witness the “Hosannas” all around you. Creation is proclaiming the coming of Easter and we are welcomed to rest in the promise of the Resurrection as we near the end of our long Lenten journey.
Usually, I look forward to the Lenten season with some anticipation. After the hectic and indulgent holiday season, I appreciate the intentional time to reset. Typically, my practice includes not only giving something up during the season but also taking on a discipline so that I might go deeper in the understanding of my faith. In the past, I’ve given up typical things like meat or even caffeine—that one was hard. I almost always add a discipline to my daily prayer practice: reading all the Psalms, a Lenten devotional guide, or a careful rereading of a couple of the Gospels. But, this year, the very nature of the past twelve months left me dreading the Lenten season. And, for good reason.
I’m not the first to say that the entire last year has felt like one long Lenten season. So much has been willingly given up in the name of safety. Not meeting together in the church has been one of the hardest. Ashley and I last ate in a restaurant for her birthday in 2020. So many date nights have been lost. The same goes for my usual weekly lunch with my mom and family gatherings on Sunday afternoons. Birthday celebrations, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas found Ashley and me alone at home. My work in the theatre ground to a halt. I missed spending time with the youth in my Sunday school class.
Much has been gained. Ashley and I found more time for one another. Without weekly communion, I found solace in dining at the table of the word instead. Long days at home meant learning new skills. Creative ways of gathering together online found me reconnecting with friends from high school and college in monthly Zoom sessions. These small groups became a lifeline of spiritual communion.
So, with essentially a full year of Lent behind us, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the season. Nothing I could think to give up or to take on could compare with the transformative experience of the last year. Thus, I decided to give myself grace and almost completely skip this Lenten season. I did compromise with myself and decided upon 10 minutes of silence to center myself each day of the season. That’s all I could do. And that is okay.
I pray that if you find yourself in a similar frame of mind, you will give yourself the same grace this Lenten season. Easter is still coming, in more ways than one.
We have just passed the one-year anniversary of the recognition that we are in a pandemic with COVID-19. There is no question but that our lives have changed, and these changes have impacted our relationship. It is a good time for reflection. Let us look at how it has affected our couple relationship for the good and the not so good. What have been the positives; the challenges, the unexpected pleasures, and the lamentations? How has this time changed your closeness and your flexibility?
We can go from boredom to anxiety and a host of other feelings in between. More time together can lead to complacency. Too many distractions and competing responsibilities can leave little time to be together. On the other hand, we have gained from sharing more time together. We share tasks and projects, help with the children, enjoying nature together, and simple pleasures such as making and eating a special meal together.
Below are questions for you to consider and reflect on. Take your time. First answer them individually and then share as a couple.
Answers will vary according to your stage of life and of marriage. An older married couple who have both retired will be different from a younger newly married couple, or a couple with young children, middle school children, high school, or young adults. Are those children studying and learning from home or are they in school? Are you working from home or going into the office or workplace? Do you have older siblings or parents that you are caring for?
What was positive from this past year of the pandemic for you as a couple?
What have been the challenges to you as a couple that have come because of the pandemic?
What have been your laments during this time? What were your losses?
What do we hope your relationship will look like after the pandemic? What do you want to keep and hold on to and what do you want to let go of?
What are you personally willing to do to continue the emphasis on the positive, so your relationship looks like what you want it to be when the pandemic is over?
Some of these questions came from www.bettermarriages.org. Feel free to browse the website for more information.
From Mount Hor the Israelites set out by the way to the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom; but the people became impatient on the way. The people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we detest this miserable food.” Then the Lord sent poisonous serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many Israelites died. The people came to Moses and said, “We have sinned by speaking against the Lord and against you; pray to the Lord to take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people. And the Lord said to Moses, “Make a poisonous serpent, and set it on a pole; and everyone who is bitten shall look at it and live.” So Moses made a serpent of bronze, and put it upon a pole; and whenever a serpent bit someone, that person would look at the serpent of bronze and live. Numbers 21:4-9
Earlier this week, the photo app on my iPhone made a cheerful little dinging sound. “Hello,” the notification said. “Would you like to view your photo memories from one year ago this week?” I made the mistake of clicking on it. And there they were: my last few photos from the “Before Times.” Eating inside a restaurant (!) with my in-laws. My infant daughter, held by an unmasked family friend we haven’t seen since. The shelves at the Wake Forest Target, suddenly and mysteriously devoid of soap and toilet paper. Probably counter to the photo app’s intention, viewing these memories didn’t make me feel happy or nostalgic. It made me feel sad and grumpy.
It has somehow been one year—one year!—since all this mess started, and I am identifying strongly with the Israelites at the beginning of this week’s Old Testament lesson. How long, O Lord?? While I certainly haven’t been wandering in circles through a desert for forty years, I feel like this year has given me at least a degree of understanding about being in the wilderness, about being stuck in an interminable holding pattern with no certain point at which life in its fullness will be able to continue. The Israelites complain to God that they are sick of eating manna instead of the wide variety of foods they used to enjoy. This is sort of how I feel about pandemic life: while I’m incredibly grateful for basic health and security, life feels monotonous and muted, and I miss hugs and in-person conversation and shared meals and shared worship. I have to admit that I sometimes feel like complaining, too.
Except this is where the story gets weird, and hard. After the Israelites complain, God sends a throng of venomous snakes. The snakes bite the people, and some of the people die. Why would God do this?? One commentary I read on this passage emphasized that really, the only possible answer is that we don’t know. While the context certainly makes it sound like God sends the serpents as a consequence of the Israelites’ complaining, the text itself doesn’t actually say this. All it gives us is a series of events: the Israelites were impatient, they complained, the serpents showed up.
Texts like this one force us to admit the extent to which God’s ways are beyond our ability to comprehend them. I, for one, have an extremely difficult time getting on board with the idea that God would deliberately cause suffering and death, ever, for any reason. But I don’t have trouble understanding God as wild, mysterious, even dangerous. After all, as the commentary points out, this is exactly how the Israelites experience God: a God who unleashes devastating plagues in order to free them from slavery, who issues the Commandments from within a terrifying thunderstorm, who leads the way through the desert as a pillar of fire. This is not a dull or predictable God. In the midst of what can feel like the never-ending drudge and slog of pandemic life, I find this reminder—that God is always working in ways beyond what we can understand—oddly comforting even as it is also unsettling.
Even more reassuring, though, is the fact that, regardless of how we might feel about exactly how or when or where it happens, God always shows up. This story is no exception: when the people ask, God is there, providing a means for healing. “Please,” the people say to Moses, “tell God to take these snakes away from us!” This isn’t quite what happens. But God does provide an anti-venom—interestingly, in the form of a snake. Salvation comes not by eliminating the source of suffering and death, but through it. This might be the case in our own wilderness, too. There’s no way that the events of the past year can be undone—we can’t go back to the “Before Times.” But fortunately God shows up with us now, helping us find the seeds of resurrection that our current existence offers, even amidst the (legitimate) complaining. May we nourish and grow them into an even better “After.”
As we continue to move forward in the Lenten season, we so often think about what we have given up or sacrificed. I have started thinking about all those things we have kept, for lack of a better term, and how deep they are to us and nourish our soul. Maybe you love the way that pop song puts a kick in your step, the way that synthesizer vibrates that new wave tune, that harp that rings in a string quartet, or the way Jimi Hendrix could make a guitar scream so effortlessly looking like he was bored during the “solo”. Perhaps you love the songs of nature, when you are outside hearing the birds, the way the wind blows the trees, or the rain falling to the ground.
Certainly, we are all in unchartered waters right now, as we continue to navigate through a global pandemic. In many ways it feels like we have given up so many things already in the process, but maybe from this extended form of giving something up, we have also gained something in return. I think this is the true meaning of resurrection: we gave up one thing to gain everything else. Like music, and contemplation, my point is there is always more. No matter what we must give up in return, it is simply the process of moving forward. We will constantly tap into something such as music if it provides food to feed our soul as a connection to God.
This Lenten hymn was written by English Anglican clergyman George Hunt Smyttan (1822-1870). It was first published under the title “Poetry for Lent” in the Penny Post in 1856. (It was set to music as hymn #150.) I find so many parallels between what we are going though right now in this global pandemic and all the uncertainty that has continued to drag on.
Forty days and forty nights You were fasting in the wild; Forty days and forty nights Tempted, and yet undefiled.
Shall not we Your sorrow share, And from earthly joys abstain, Fasting with unceasing prayer, Glad with You to suffer pain?
And if Satan vexing sore, Flesh or spirit should assail, You, his Vanquisher before, Grant we may not faint or fail.
So shall we have peace divine; Holier gladness ours shall be; Round us, too, shall angels shine, Such as ministered to Thee.
Keep, O keep us, Saviour dear, Ever constant by Your side; That with You we may appear At the eternal Eastertide.
I have personally always been a classic rock, blues, folk and bluegrass type, but one of my friends recently recommended I should listen to jazz. I certainly have the time on my hands, as I am no longer waiting to catch a plane! I decided to start by looking at Ken Burns’ 10-part series on jazz. This is an amazing series, and for those who have interest it can be found on YouTube. The first episode is titled “Gumbo: Beginnings to 1917”. Jazz came from the root of the blues, and most people think the blues were written from sadness, but they were a form of celebration through the music to stomp the blues out of being held down in society. Blues originated in New Orleans and certain parts were put down as a standard to playing them. During this time in history and for those that know the history behind New Orleans, it was a melting pot of both European immigrants and African Americans. What happened to be blues then was shaped into jazz, and the explosion that happened was the art of improvisation. “Who sing idle songs to the sound of the harp and like David invent for themselves instruments of music” (Amos 6:5). It was really the first time and the first music that was referred to as “American” on a grand scale and it was a very important time in which people from all skin colors collaborated on how they could work to improve the art of improvisation, crossing all lines and boundaries of music.
So what does this have to do with Lent and how is it spiritual? I think Jesus taught us how to improvise what we are doing every day; an example would be laboriously getting on Zoom calls and as we connect and possibly work with someone in another country. But what it also shows is through the improvisation we are all human, flawed, but carry that one common trait of love, and we have no boundaries to how we can connect with one another, just like the improvisation of jazz. As you move forward during Lent, please listen to the music and improvise on how you feel fits and feeds your soul. I leave you with a lovely piece by Sting featuring Branford Marsalis, “Fields of Gold”. Have discipline on what you give up, but also focus on all you have. God has instilled in us how to improvise.
O my God, I cry in the daytime but you do not answer;
by night as well, but I find no rest.
I am poured out like water;
all my bones are out of joint;
my heart within my breast is melting wax.
My mouth is dried out like a pot-sherd;
my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
and you have laid me in the dust of the grave.
Be not far away, O Lord;
You are my strength; hasten to help me.
(Psalm 22:1-2,14-15,18)
I don’t know about you, but I am tired. Bone tired. Weary, worn. I’m tired of COVID-19 precautions, tired of “remote learning,” tired of telehealth and teleworking. I’m tired of freaking myself out every time I sneeze, and obsessing that my allergy symptoms might be something far worse.
I’m tired of learning about yet more infections, still more deaths, saddened that people are still getting sick even with vaccines and mask mandates and social distancing. And frankly I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a job. I can work from home most days. And because I do sometimes work at the hospital (or the outpatient clinic) I’m vaccinated. And I know people twice my age who are still waiting. And the grief… so much grief.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. Tired, weary, worn, lamenting that here we are in Lent once again and it feels like not much has changed. Once again Holy Week will be online? Again?! Unbelievable. But here we are.
Are you still with me? Good. So what word of hope can we find this day? For me, I’m continuing to take hope in what’s said and not said in our lectionary readings, prayers, and services. (What a gift that we can at least gather together online!) Our lectionary passages for this week remind us of God’s covenant with Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 17:1-7,15-16), reassure us of God’s faithfulness and our own welcome through faith (Romans 4:13-25) that God is with the poor in our distress, feeding and sustaining us (Psalm 22:22-30), and that following Jesus looks like the way of cross and resurrection (Mark 8:31-38). It’s that latter part that speaks most to me today.
The way of discipleship, of following Jesus, is the way of cross and resurrection. In the Season of Lent we are invited, challenged, to examine our lives and see in our faithfulness and suffering, and suffering faithfully, the presence and power of God. And thanks be to God we are invited to be honest.
It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay not to take on new Lenten disciplines because for the past year it’s felt like a fast. (It’s fine to take on new disciplines, or renew disciplines too!)
This Lent I think the invitation is to let God in to the tiredness, the exhaustion, the burnout, the sadness, the Lament. It is through that process, seeing God with us in our cross-carrying, that we are able to proclaim and to experience’s God’s resurrection power.
The Psalmist didn’t get to his “Praise the Lord” (which we’ll hear on Sunday) without an honest-to-goodness bellyache in the first half of the Psalm – a heart bared to God begging for deliverance.
I think it’s important for us to remember that Jesus spoke these words. In reciting Psalm 22 from the cross Jesus sanctified the full range of human emotions as worthy of speaking in prayer. So, it’s okay to be tired! And it’s okay to be tired of being tired. (And tired of hearing other people complain about being tired!)
My prayer this Lent, my hope, is that whatever our experience we might invite God closer in. That we would give to Christ Jesus even these experiences, trusting that somehow, miraculously, new life will come.
Almighty God, whose most dear Son went not up to joy but first he suffered pain, and entered not into glory before he was crucified: Mercifully grant that we, walking in the way of the cross, may find it none other than the way of life and peace; through Jesus Christ your son our Lord. Amen. (BCP, p99)
During the month of February, we turn our attention to “Love”. It is in the air and on the media as we celebrate Valentine’s Day. This time is an opportunity to earn your own love language and that of your spouse, so that you and they can experience love in a deeper way.
In Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, Dr. Chapman says that your spouse’s/partner’s love language may be as different as Chinese from English. If you are expressing your love in English, but they speak Chinese, it will be difficult to understand each other and to experience their love. There are basically five emotional love languages, and each has dialects or variations. We all typically have a primary and a secondary love language. Also, our love language can change over time.
Here are the five love languages that Dr. Chapman has identified:
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: Words are powerful. Verbal appreciation and encouragement, “You look great in that suit”, ‘I really appreciate your help with baking that cake,” “you can do this.” “I believe in you.” Focus on the little things. Say out loud what you are thinking.
QUALITY TIME: It is more than being together. It is focusing your energy on your mate. Unless you are completely focused on him or her, you are not giving quality time and they won’t experience it as “love”.
RECEIVING GIFTS: Gifts are visual symbols of love. Giving of a gift is an expression of love and devotion. These gifts do not need to cost a lot of money, but are a visible sign of your love.
ACTS OF SERVICE: Doing some simple chore around the house, like laundry, or vacuuming, taking out the trash, taking the car to the shop.
PHYSICAL TOUCH: Some form of physical contact from you will express love when that is their language. Sexual intercourse is only one dialect for this language. Take the time to learn the touches that your spouse likes. They could be a foot massage, a back rub, a kiss, a touch on the cheek, a hug.
Whether or not you have learned your love language in the past, or this is the first time, we invite you to talk about your love languages and discover or rediscover them. Share with your mate how you would like them to demonstrate their love in your language.
Now is the time for new beginnings: the time of the year, the time of our country, the time of moving forward through the virus and getting the vaccine. It is also a good time to set some goals as a couple for this pandemic year.
We invite you to sit down as a couple and discuss this coming year. What are your wishes, your hopes, and your desires? What is possible and what might be obstacles to achieving those goals? Dream Big and Little. Share ideas even if you think they are “impossible” at this time of your lives. Are there trips you have been wanting to take? Are there home repairs, renovations that need doing?Are there cleanup projects that you have been putting off? Are there people that you were not able to see because of COVID-19? Are there lost friends that you want to reach out to? Are there people that you want to invite to your home as safely as possible?
Everything does not have to be put off because of the pandemic, but maybe you modify your goals somewhat, like Zooming with family and friends, or cleanup projects that just the two of you can do. Are there events that you can attend online? Can you watch a movie by streaming?
Lastly, decide on some that are realistic for the next 1 month, 6 months, 1 year. This is the beginning of a plan. Write them down on a sheet of paper. You might not accomplish everything, but you will find your direction together as a couple.
Here is an effective format that we have used with our couple groups.
Take a sheet of paper, title it “Our 2021 Goals”. Write down the 1 month, 6 months, and 1 year with space below each to place your couple goals. Next write in your agreed-upon goals. Then post your goal sheet on the refrigerator or some other prominent place that the two of you will see.Make an agreement to review the sheet every week/month and mark off and celebrate as the goals are completed.
